She had never agreed with Tennyson’s “Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Losing love hurt, really hurt and it remained with you forever and as she packed to leave she felt every bit of that pain tear her heart into pieces. Though this wasn’t the first time this was happening to Suhana, it still hurt. Five years was not a short time.
As she looked around the place which she had called home her eyes filled up and tears threatened to pour down. The photo frame, the newspaper, the early morning banter over the newspaper, it would be so difficult to take it out of her system.
Take hold of yourself and don’t create a scene, no one will ever understand your feelings Suhana, she reprimanded herself. The whole thing had been a mistake from the beginning; she had never wanted to get into it. But she had been convinced otherwise, the entire period of wooing her had been so heartfelt, she had felt so wanted. And then when it all began she never once doubted her decision, for 5 long years everything had been so perfect.
There were days when she found solace only in her love. It had protected her from everything, from bad days to jealous relatives to inquisitive friends. The four walls made every hurt disappear; they eased out every worry, soothed all the pain. She could enter here and be lost forever, in her world of love and passion.
Just as she was about to trust, believe and give in her self completely it happened! The love suddenly started to disappear and was replaced by questioning. It had not been sudden - cold vibes, funny looks, accusative tones; they had all been there, only that she had been blind to it. She ignored it all, till it hit her in the face, questioning her integrity, dedication, passion and sincerity! After 5 years, what more could she have done to prove her love! She tolerated it for sometime, almost 6 months, and then she just couldn’t take it anymore.
It was breaking her heart but she knew there was someone else involved and not just one. And it was their presence which had caused the dissonance. The last nail in the coffin had been when she was questioned on something which she had not been responsible for. That’s when she decided that she couldn’t stay on and bear the humiliation, the suspicion and the disdain.
She knew her letter would create a furor and it did, so many people tried to convince her, to give it another shot. But she knew it wasn’t genuine it was just being done for the heck of it. It was being done because she had become furniture, because her leaving wouldn't be good for public image.
Suhana took a last look around at what had been her second home for such a long time. She went to each room and recounted the memories. The lunch room where she and her team had laughed and worked like crazy, the kitchen where mid-afternoon Maggie could still be smelt, the balconies where chatting and complaining sessions would go on forever, the reception where she had waited for her interview, the boardrooms where so many client wins, birthdays and anniversaries had been celebrated.
It had cost her everything, her personal life, her parents, friends and now it was time to break-up. She wished circumstances had not been this bad and they had had the guts to stand by her but in the end they decided to stand by the client…
As Suhana packed the last carton full of her stuff she also packed in her self respect. She promised herself that she would never give herself away so completely to anyone or anything.
It was a lesson that she had learnt the hard way but she wasn’t complaining because she was headed towards a new beginning. Maybe Tennyson was right afterall!
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